Tips for Managing Holiday Stress & Triggers
The holidays are known as a time of great celebration, time with family, time off work, and provide many ways to engage in Hygge traditions (Danish Term - check it out!). However, for a great many of us, the holidays can also bring immense stress, grief, and may feel triggering. *
If you have a trauma history, time with family can be negatively activating, large crowds & noises may feel overwhelming, and the emphasis on the ‘perfect’ parent is everywhere. If you’ve struggled with disordered eating patterns, holidays that have a central focus on food can be scary and trigger our avoidance responses. If you’re a member of the LGBTQ+ community you may have family that is supportive, unsupportive, no family, or created a new chosen family. Holidays can feel impossible to navigate and bring about so much grief if you are displaced, houseless, disowned by family, misgendered by family, or not yet out to family.
If you can relate to any of these triggers (cultural appropriation, political mismatches with family, food triggers, family triggers, loss/grief, navigating your queer identity, and many more), this blog post is for you. Listed below are ways to set boundaries – think physical, emotional, political, spiritual and more – as well as tips for coping with stress if setting boundaries is impossible or not recommended (as is the case for interacting with an abusive family member).
Types of Boundaries** (with examples):
Physical – think physical boundaries (touch regarding hugs, physical proximity to others, and more)
Example: You may have a family member who loves to hug & kiss as a greeting. If you don’t feel comfortable you can verbally state this or put your hand out for a handshake instead.
If you interact with small children, make sure to always *ask* if they want a hug – never assume we know someone’s boundaries!
Emotional – how much of our personal experiences we share with others, vulnerable conversations, intimate details of our family.
Example: I don’t feel comfortable discussing my queer identity or feel triggered when I’m misgendered. Remind a safe advocate to correct pronouns for you. Surround yourself with chosen family afterwards to instill safety & love.
Political – what party we are affiliated with, in conflict with, how much or little we are willing to discuss this.
Example: If a discussion around politics starts up, you can try to change the subject, leave the room, or verbally reinforce the boundary of not talking about this.
Spiritual – whether you identify as agnostic or spiritual/religious, think of these types of boundaries as how we choose to interact with our identity as it relates to others.
Example: We may choose to participate in a religious celebration privately or we may choose to direct the conversation away from religion/spirituality as this was part of our trauma history or used against us.
**Special notes on boundaries, I never recommend forcefully attempting to set a boundary with someone who has been abusive. In those instances, physically leaving the room and/or not engaging in the conversation is the best alternative. When attempting to set boundaries for the first time, try to practice with those who you feel would be receptive or safe. If you’re ever unsure, talk to your therapist!
Quick Coping Skills:
5-4-3-2-1 – A grounding skill. Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can taste, and 1 thing you can smell.
TIPP – A grounding skill. Go to the bathroom and splash cold water on your face/put ice cubes near your eyes on the bridge of your nose, hold your breath for 30 seconds (ideally with head between legs) and slowly come up. This encourages our body to down regulate if we are panicky.
Go for a walk around the block.
Spend time with the littles.
Pick at least 3 foods part of your meal plan to eat.
Eat something before and/or after if eating around others is challenging.
Breathe deeply.
Have an exit strategy – create a look or code word with a partner to easily identify when you may need a break.
When you are in your own safe space, do things that feel calming or soothing to create a new memory around holiday time.
As a way to cope with grief/loss, create a ritual to honor a loved one you lost.
Create a list of ways to celebrate your queerness with people who are supportive.
Remember that you are not alone! Many folks have dialectical experiences related to the autumn/winter holidays. A dialectic, a term used often in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT for short), describes the phenomenon where two seemingly opposite things are true at the same time. As an example, we may be excited to have time off to celebrate the holidays AND feel triggered because this reminds us of loss, grief, our trauma history, our queer identity, or our complicated relationship with food. Use the tools above as an invitation to try mini-experiments in responding to stress differently.
Interested in becoming a new client? Reach out today to set up your free consultation.
Let’s make a habit of healing. ✨
With love & gratitude,
Kate
*Disclaimer – this advice is general and should not be used as a substitute for therapy.
